You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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