If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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