'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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