She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
