I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
