As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
