Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
