I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
