forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
