I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
