I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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