my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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