I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
