I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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