the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
