genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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