I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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