Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
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Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
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Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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