I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
There's even glitter on my cock...
please don't ironically join a cult
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