I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
