I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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