I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
