im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I need water and some morals
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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