yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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