his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
