I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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