He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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