Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
