some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
