I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Randomize
