I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
