I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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