am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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