so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
