I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
