also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
