i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
