you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
