I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
