Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
