I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
