I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
