my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
