I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
