In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
