wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
