my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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