Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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