I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
