i love accidental penises.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
