he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
