She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
