I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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