i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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