I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
