Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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