omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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