why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
