he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
