no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
